We made the decision at the end of last school year for me to stay home with Brayden, to concentrate on raising and nurturing him, celebrating his little life. It has been a HUGE adjustment from working full-time and having a tangible sense of purpose and accomplishment. But I am grateful for the opportunity to watch him grow, change, develop and to begin the teaching and training process of his mind and heart. We could have never guessed that God, in his sovereign plan, would choose to allow Chris' job to take a nosedive, but it has! Each month we struggle to see how we will meet the bills, knowing that eventually the money will run out. Christmas is not even on our radar. I have begun to tutor a bit to supplement what little I can. We believe God has a plan in this and that He will provide for His people, but oh how we need to see that provision in tangible ways! The cool thing in all of this is that we have seen our true, desperate need for Jesus. It is so easy to live independently of Him when all financial needs are met or even exceeded. I usually go somewhat nuts at Christmas because I love to give gifts and enjoy the ability to give and the possibility to brighten someone's day. This year, it has all become so simple: I want to enjoy the Christmas season with dear friends and family and reflect on the significance of Jesus' birth...something that has been long lost in my own heart for the past few years. How quickly His coming to earth and being born of a virgin to very humble means has become just a story.
In the midst of this we discovered that I was pregnant! It was what we wanted and somewhat planned for, but we had no idea that we would enter into a significant trial at the same time! At six weeks I began hemmoraging and just knew we had lost the baby. To everyone's disbelief, there was miraculously a heartbeat when I went in for an emergency ultrasound. We were ordered to return for another ultrasound the following week and grateful to hear that the heartbeat was even stronger than before and the baby was growing. I have been diagnosed with subchorionic bleeding, a condition that occurs in approximately 1% of known pregnancies. The week we returned to the dr. office, the blood mass measured 2x as big as the week prior. There is nothing that can be done and 75%-90% of these kind of pregnancies go to full-term and have healthy babies. The risk is that if bleeding continues, it could pull the placenta away from the uterus, causing a miscarriage. The hope though is that the blood would clot and the uterus would grow, thereby putting pressure on the open blood vessel to stop the bleeding. The past few weeks have been filled with questioning as I have continued to bleed and experience all-day nausea. While nausea is typically not preferred, it is somewhat of a comfort that I am still pregnant. When the nausea is not present, I'm instantly filled with fear that life has ceased; but when there's a significant amount of bleeding, I'm also concerned that something is wrong. As an old friend taught me, I have to dwell on what I know to be true. Until I know otherwise, I must choose to believe that there is still life growing inside of me and that whatever happens, God certainly has a plan and will give us the grace to accept his plan. Whew! That's alot!
So, we continue to trust....to believe that He is in control and is working "all things together for good." Does it feel good? no, but He promises to provide for his people so we choose to lean on these promises to give us hope. O how this world is not what it seems; there is constant struggle and hardship, but He promises to be enough.
I'll leave you with one of my very favorite pictures of sweet Brayden. Spaghetti is absolutely one of his favorite meals and I love to watch him dive in!
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