the beginning

Hopeful. Today I feel hopeful. It's inexplicable but I'm glad for the momentary relief of fear. Maybe it's denial, but I'm calling it hope. If you're wondering what on earth I'm hopeful about, let me start at the beginning.
I am 14 weeks pregnant. The last few months have been filled with nausea, headaches, extreme fatigue and questions. At 6 weeks I began hemorraging and should have lost this precious child, but he or she hung on! We were amazed and thrilled to see a flutter of a heartbeat on the ultrasound screen, shocking also the tech, nurses and doctor. The next 6 weeks were filled with questions...am I still pregnant? I don't feel sick today. What does that mean? What if there's no heartbeat when we see the doctor? Slowly though, the bleeding stopped and the 12 week check-up proved evidence of a strong, determined heartbeat coming in at 160 bpm. Thank you Jesus! We celebrated the life in me that continued to fight.
Last Friday, however, sent me spinning. After having light laughter and conversation with the ultrasound tech about our hopes that this child would be a girl, the tech left the room with a changed demeanor. I wondered if there was something wrong. The doctor came in and took a deep sigh and after looking for himself, told us that he was sorry to have to inform us, but there were some abnormalities with the baby. The measure of the back of the neck was too thick and two cystic hygromas were growing on either side of the base of the neck. I wanted to say "you've got to be wrong! Look again!" as I did a quick mental inventory of all my family's health. How could this happen? I'm healthy, active, not yet 35 (the marker for automatic "high-risk"), have zero health problems... but the screen told another story. The doctor went immediately into mumbling about seeing a genetic counselor and statistics related to chromosomal abnormalities and having a CVS done, but I was almost too far in the pregnancy for that, and again, he's so sorry! I must've sat with my mouth gaping open and asked him to repeat everything as I tried to understand that there was indeed a problem. We were then sent to another doctor who was willing to squeeze us in for 1 pm at Northside. Because my placenta had moved, they had to do a transabdominal entry for the CVS, removing sample tissue from the placenta to better identify the cause of the extra fluid and cysts on the neck of the baby. We were given a 2-4% chance that the child will be normal. The most common causes of cystic hygromas are Trisomy 18, 13, Turner's and Noonan's Syndrome, and infrequently Down Syndrome. Obviously the outcome does not look good. The results will not be in for 7-10 days and I am scheduled to return to the doctor in 3 weeks for monitoring. Our minds have been everywhere...we know the statistics for children diagnosed with Trisomy 18 and 13; we don't know a lot about Turner's or Noonan's--only that it is an absence of sex chromosome and the physical and/or mental defects can be significant. We don't know what road we're on....we don't know what God will ask of us and we're not promised healing, but we do know it CAN happen.
Last night Chris and I sobbed as we read a blog I had run into several times...Bring the Rain. I love the song and had actually incorporated those words into my prayers many times, asking God to draw my heart closer to His, to grant me the privilege of knowing Him in a deeper way. I have to wonder, is this His answer?? And in my flesh I think, "oh I didn't mean it like this!" I KNOW that we grow in valleys, but I hate the valley. The feeling of uncertainty, lack of control, emotional messiness and open possibilities scares me. I am planned, calculated, and orderly. This is out of order--MY order. It's very strange but in some ways I am not shocked that we are facing yet again, another trial---a trial so deep and dear and personal that there's no question that there is a part of our hearts he is asking us to surrender. From the very beginning of this pregnancy I've had a sober awareness that anything can happen. And while we prayed for a baby girl, I kept saying "I just want it to be healthy!" But I didn't really, REALLY think that we would be facing the possiblity of chromosomal abnormalities. In the meantime, I pray for this child's protection and safety. I pray for life. I pray for healing. I pray that we would be recipients of a miracle baby. And I thank God that he is drawing my heart closer...needy and dependent on his strength alone.

"Bring The Rain"

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty