blessings

wow! I had no idea sweet nee-nee would be 3 months old by the time i finally got on to blog about how life has changed, how much we love her adorable chubby cheeks, and how grateful we are that our GREAT GOD spared her life so that we could know her, love her, and tell Brayden not to bounce the basketball on her head! I have literally written 15-20 blog posts in my mind, titled them, edited them, and then considered what a great invention it would be if a machine existed that could transcribe my thoughts to paper/the computer. But, alas, it does not, and so, I am simply very, very behind in this online journal of our lives as a family of now four.

I've been thinking alot lately about Laura Story's song Blessings. We are lucky enough to have Laura as one of our main worship leaders at our church here in Atlanta. I was introduced to the song just after the test that seemed to indicate Neely would have a chromosomal abnormality and may not survive the pregnancy. A dear friend asked me if I'd heard it and encouraged me to listen closely to its lyrics, praying that I would be strengthened and comforted by its message. I've included the lyrics below.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

We'd waited 10 long months to meet Neely and had watched God perform more than one miracle in saving her life! She was beautiful! She was perfect! She was healthy! She was "a fighter, a champion" and she was finally here...with us. We were grateful. And then everything drastically changed...the first night home from the hospital she literally cried for 9 hours straight!! And that was the beginning... The whole first month was horrible. She screamed and cried for 6-8 hrs a day and nothing would calm her--not the swing, not the bouncer, not the mobile hanging over the pack-n-play, not the paci, NOTHING!! By nighttime, thankfully, she would sleep 4-5 hours because she was so exhausted from her daytime rants. Although it was clear her tummy was the problem, we could not pinpoint the issue. Naturally, all of my confidence went out the window...my hopes of quickly having her on a schedule, establishing her routine, breastfeeding longer with her than with Brayden (by controlling my migraines--what a joke!), and easily transitioning her into our family. Praise God for friends who brought meals because I was constantly dealing with an upset baby. Sweet Brayden transitioned beautifully, except for one week of throwing toys and hitting furniture, as if to say "I've had it with this crying! Could someone please show ME some attention?!" After stripping nearly everything from my diet, we finally figured out that she was having to work too hard to digest the lactose from the milk. When the doctor suggested we try Similac Sensitive, we said, "YES! Anything!" It was literally an overnight miracle!!! She was suddenly content, happy, calm, satisfied, quiet, could sleep, would sleep...I was shocked! In truth, I did not think it was possible. I'm embarrassed now to admit it, but I honestly was worried that she would never smile, would never like the bouncy seat or the swing, that she would be a fussy baby, inconsolable, and I was going to have to figure out how to live with this miserable crying for the next year of my life, and figure out how to smile about it because that's what everyone expects you to do...Smile! You have a new baby!

Underneath all of the circumstance though, I could sense Jesus calling...calling me to come and sit at His feet, to take His yoke "because it is easy and His burden is light." And in those quiet moments of desperation and fear, when I lay wide awake in the dark at night, wondering what the next day would bring, I had nothing left to do but cry out for help, for strength, for perseverance, for wisdom, for deliverance. We were at the end of ourselves. No booksmarts or prior experience seemed to matter at that point; we simply needed Jesus to intervene our hearts and calm our fears and graciously give us whatever we needed to care for Neely and to love her in the process. And it's these moments that remind us that "this is not our home." This is where the song comes in. All my life I've prayed for "blessings" and I interpret those blessings to mean "good" things, and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that, but at my core I also want life to be easy and I want to be happy; I don't want to suffer and somewhere I think I "deserve" that. But God in His goodness interprets blessings different than me, so He challenges my so-called life of ease so that I will cry out for help in the middle of night, so that I will experience need. Now, looking back, the beauty of those moments is that I was confident of Christ's presence then more than ever, and yet I was so desperate for the circumstances to change. Life this side of eternity will not get better. If anything, the longer we walk with Jesus, it will only get harder. This should increase our longing for heaven, when pain and suffering will finally be no more. I look at Neely now and you would NEVER know that she was so much work in the beginning. I look at her and see a life so precious, a life we almost never knew and am beyond words in expressing just how grateful we are that she is here to grace us with her bright, beaming smile! She is an absolute doll! She is filled with smiles, giggles even, and so full of life. In some ways I feel like I am trying to make up for lost time with her each time we snuggle or play. She is quite the active child and we're all convinced she'll by walking by 9 or 10 months, unlike her big-headed brother Brayden, who didn't walk until 17 months! What a gift, a blessing she is in our lives...a reminder each day of God's presence, faithfulness and goodness!

Proud, curious big brother