disappointment

dis·ap·point·ment (n)-feeling of being let down: a feeling of sadness or frustration because something was not as good, attractive, or satisfactory as expected, or because something hoped for did not happen.
lately i have been evaluating my life...several aspects, but primarily my friendships. since moving to atlanta almost 7 years ago {wow!} i have found myself continually disappointed in this arena. i would say my heart has gone from confusion to disappointment to anger to cynicism to indifference, back to openness. it has been softened enough to hope, only to be disappointed once again. i have found myself so let down with either the circumstances or with other people that not only have i wondered how/why is this my reality, but i've begun to think maybe i'm not that good of a friend. i used to be, or at least i thought i was, but maybe life has become so hectic that i'm not doing my part either. this has been such an ongoing theme in my life that over a year ago i called an 'old friend' to ask for her opinion and advice over a particular upset that had occurred in a given friendship, inviting truth to be spoken, even if it was hard for me to hear. i guess now, i'm in the 'whatever' stage. take it or leave it; what you see is what you get; easy come, easy go. i don't want my heart to be hard, but i just don't have the energy for such senseless games. i honestly had NO idea that forming true, genuine friendships as a married adult, as a believer much less, could be this complicated or involve so much drama. part of the problem is the time i served on staff with ccc. i was surrounded by such wonderful people...Godly men and women who desired to be authentic followers of Jesus Christ in every way. they surely weren't perfect; i surely am not perfect, but the desire to walk closely with the Lord is what kept the bond so close. sadly, my life relationally, has not looked remotely close to what it was since leaving staff. that was 8 years ago. i keep wanting to find a few close friends who i can depend on, lean on, trust, and share life with (kids, birthday parties, beach trips, etc...) but i cannot find them! and it makes me sad! i have tried to not want so much, but i don't know how to do that. i don't want to be ungrateful for the friendships i do have, but at the same time, my feelings get hurt when those i think i can count on let me down.
just the other night, we were invited to a going away party. it was for a husband and wife who were our first couple friends and the wife was my first 'real' friend here in atlanta, so it was important and extra meaningful for me/us to be there. initially we couldn't go because we were going to florida to see my family, but when the kids and i got sick, we had to cancel the trip. by friday, i'd been on a z-pac for 3 days and was fine to attend, so i changed our rsvp. but then i got an email and was asked (somewhat indirectly), not to attend due to germs and consideration for others attending who did not care to get sick!!!! SERIOUSLY??!! i obliged and they thanked me for being 'so understanding.' i can assure you i was not understanding. i was hurt. i still don't know who was right, but i do know that the request did not feel very loving...and i kept thinking "is this what a real friend does?" i felt cheated out of saying my good-byes so everyone else could feel "safe." and this is exactly the kind of thing i have sensed and that has disappointed me from my so-called friends here...not everyone, but most...that they're not willing to get into the mess with me and THAT's what i'm looking for. to me, that's a REAL friend. oh that i would be the kind of friend that i desire in others...that i would be willing to share the mess!!