peace

the past couple of days have been really rough. my emotions have been all over the place and after having a very insightful conversation with a dear friend, i have basically cried the past 2 days. translation=i'm exhausted. since having the conversation last week with brayden's teacher about his seeming delays or differences, i feel like i now see them EVERYWHERE!!! i also feel like i have become ultra protective and defensive of him, like "mama bear" is ready to roar at any moment if provoked to do so. for instance, we were at the checkout in target the other day and bray was being his sweet, friendly self. he walked right up to the cashier (after the cashier had clearly greeted me, mind you) and said "hi, hi mister. hi. hey man. hi. hi..." i let him continue the greeting thinking the cashier would eventually respond. nope. sweet bray must've said hi to the cashier 20 times and that dumb man was ignoring him. i finally stepped in and very annoyed said "my son is saying hello to you. do you think you could respond?" i was so hot!! he gave me some excuse about being deaf in one ear but i knew he was lying. that was the first moment of feeling like maybe i would have to step in and do things outside of my comfort zone to protect my precious child.

yesterday at his school we had Muffins with Mom to celebrate mother's day. i was so thrilled to see him smile and greet me with a hug and kiss. in the past when i've walked into his classroom, though excited, he typically bursts into tears and it's always bothered me on some level because i couldn't understand why this would be his response when he ought to be glad to see me. if in fact he has asperger's or highly functioning autism, as it seems many of his symptoms would indicate, this would explain the odd reaction. he is easily overwhelmed emotionally and is unable to control his emotions, which is why we see the outbursts of tears, hitting, throwing, etc... recently these outbursts have become greater both in frequency and intensity and it is so tiring. sometimes the smallest tasks are a struggle. for now, we just don't know exactly HOW to deal with him because we don't know exactly WHAT we're dealing with. the evaluation on the 21st could not come soon enough! according to my friend, even though it will be good to get an educational perspective from the County about where he is in his development, it is up the medical professionals to provide an actual diagnosis if one is to be made. i can't get a referral for a developmental pediatrician though (which i've heard are hard to get into!) until after his 3 year well-check (early june). one step at a time.

i am EASILY overwhelmed by the newness of all of this, the tantrums, what feels/seems like the refusal to listen or obey commands (when really we don't know what's going on in that little brain!), the uncertainty of the future, the demand it may place on me/us, the desire for him to be.. not "normal" per se, because i want him to be all that God has created him to be, but i want him to be socially acceptable and to have friends and be able to carry a normal conversation, etc... i just find myself worrying A LOT! and that is why i am desperately in need of God's peace. and i find myself constantly asking "why does everything in life have to be hard?" but that is the wrong question. everything in THIS life IS hard because it's broken, but everything in the next life is PERFECT. i love reading Jesus Calling each morning. that and my coffee give me strength for the day. is that okay to say? it speaks directly to me every morning. this is today's message and i wanted to share it here:

"Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings desgined for your benefit and growth. Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on me. 

When you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for me. Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on me and increasing intimacy between us. Although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on me produces abundant living in my kingdom. Thank me for the difficulties in your life since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance."

LOVE this sweet boy!!